To paraphrase Josh Homme in this month’s Classic Rock magazine; ‘I’ve been through a few things I’m sure that everyone can relate to when you feel like you’ve been hit with everything but the kitchen sink. Then you’re like: ok that’s over. No, it’s my turn to answer that.’
It’s fair to say I feel like I’ve done 12 rounds with the kitchen sink at this stage. Having pretty much re-invented myself over the past three years it seems like I’m back to square one, back to the old routine, stuck in a place I don’t want to be. It isn't much fun being catapulted back to living with your parents after three years away from home. What makes it harder is my age; twenty-seven going on twenty-eight, twenty-eight in seven days time to be precise.
At Christmas time I go back to Australia but possibly going back with no full-time work it’s not ideal. I worry, she worries, my family worries, everyone worries. I try not to show it; I try to just keep on keeping on; but it’s tough when people constantly ask you ‘what’s your plan now?’, ‘What’s next?’
Like I have a pre-determined move, a set plan, that I’ll just start my profession any day now and start climbing the social ladder. What annoys me more is that everyone cares, ‘we’re just worried for you!’—I fucking get it! I’m worried about it the most, and to be frank, I don’t need constant reminding of it. Everyone has the best intentions for you and wants to see you being the best you can, but there’s only one person going through this—and that’s me. That’s a lot of pressure on one set of shoulders to carry—and so I begin my post.
Like I have a pre-determined move, a set plan, that I’ll just start my profession any day now and start climbing the social ladder. What annoys me more is that everyone cares, ‘we’re just worried for you!’—I fucking get it! I’m worried about it the most, and to be frank, I don’t need constant reminding of it. Everyone has the best intentions for you and wants to see you being the best you can, but there’s only one person going through this—and that’s me. That’s a lot of pressure on one set of shoulders to carry—and so I begin my post.
I know there’s other people out there that feel exactly like me, or are or have gone through a similar experience as me. I know people who have also had to return from Australia or whenever and start anew, back at square one; I’m not the only one.
I’m the only one with the power to change it, my current circumstance no-one else. I love how people ‘only mean the best for you’, but sometimes all they do is add to your grief. If I had a penny for every time someone close to me has said to me ‘ah it’ll be tough’, ‘it’ll be hard to you the both of you', when acknowledging my separation from my girlfriend. Yeah, you think I don’t know that?!, it’s something I’m not constantly thinking about from dawn to dusk every day. Why not instead say ‘ah you’ll be fine, not long until you’re reunited', or ‘both of you will come through this as stronger people’. Which we will, something like a long distance relationship can only make you stronger as a couple, as individuals. Anyway enough ranting—it’s boring.
Luckily during my time in Australia, I got to visit most parts of the country. All the capitals (bar Hobart) - Perth, Brisbane, Darwin, Sydney, Adelaide & Melbourne—not to mention all the places in between. I also visited Bali, Fiji & Singapore all fantastically glamorous and exotic places—even to the now better educated and well-travelled modern Irish 'paddy'. Imagine going from all that, those places, their people, the culture, the adventure to back living in rural Ireland with my ageing parents. Both of whom are almost in an almost sedentary lifestyle for better or worse. Just coasting through the day-to-day as they’ve always had at least since I’ve been on this earth, my mother a stay-at-home housewife, my father runs his own company.
However, like anything in life, there are two sides to every story. It’s great to be back home surrounded by family and friends. People you don’t have to impress, those who have known you since day one, who have shared experiences, who have you created memories with. But like anything families can be quite restricting and demanding something I haven’t missed on my travels. People say some use travel as a form of escapism, and that couldn’t be truer in my case. For as much as I developed and matured on my travels experienced and embraced other people and their cultures, I can still be accused of misusing my travels. Like a lot of people who travel, I used it as an excuse not to settle down, an excuse to continue ‘living the dream’ free from all responsibilities and the doom and gloom of home. There’s only so many times you can post pictures of yourself on Facebook or Instagram in exotic places atop mountaintops, in jungle rainforests, in crowded cities staring longingly into the middle distance, as the sun either rises or sets contemplating life and all its majesty, becoming a ‘better person’.
Nothing is stopping me from following the flock and jumping on the next plane to Canada, the U.S., New Zealand, Asia anywhere to escape depressing old Ireland and its smothering blanket of recession. ‘Anywhere is better than home’ a stock clichéd phrase you hear from the Irish abroad. However, since I’ve returned home, nothing could be more untrue. There’s no place like home (for good or bad), it’s the place that shapes you and continues to shape you, no matter what outpost and far-flung region of the world you find yourself in. I’ve garnered a whole new appreciation from my homeland since I came back. Having convinced myself that there was indeed ‘nothing at home’ when I lived in Australia. There’s still a lot of potential in our small isle it just takes a few sharp minds and some inspiration to unlock our potential as a people, and less of the ‘ah sure that’s the way it’s always been’ mindset of yore.
You wouldn’t know Ireland was in a recession unless you were told (something the Irish media excel at). Sure people haven’t as much money and there are a few less new houses and more for sale signs dotted around the place, but it’s nothing we haven’t experienced before. The U.S., the U.K. half (if not all) of Europe find themselves in a similar bad place. However most of these people get on with their day to day rather than partaking in the classic Irish pastime of whinging and moaning.
Like my country I know things will only get better for me. It’s a case of applying myself as best I can. Instead of thinking negative switch it to the positive. 90% of my problems (current or otherwise) are ‘in my head’. I’m my own harshest critic (as I should be, as a race if we’re not striving to better ourselves then we’re not evolving we’re regressing) however these day to day running battles with myself must stop.
For now my head remains in the clouds whilst my feet are planted firmly on the ground.
I know if I pull through this mundane 6 month period I can get back to where I aspire to be. It would help if I came back to a job in my profession. It’s harder than ever to break into the world of journalism & the media, but I won’t let that put me off. I need to follow my dream, to follow what I’m good at. Become the best I can, and in fairness I haven’t even tried yet.
I well aware this blog post reads like a self help manual full of inspiration with equal dashes of desperation and depression (hopefully with a few specks of humour). But I have to keep myself motivated; I have to keep telling myself the inspiring story. I alone am the only person that can truly alter my current circumstance. All I need is something that has eluded me all these years for whatever reason, CONFIDENCE. Confidence in myself.
I can take strength in knowledge that a beautiful, inspiring young woman on the other side of the world loves me. I know we have a brilliant bright future ahead for ourselves it just a matter of getting there.
No comments:
Post a Comment